I'm sick now. The more time I took a break from work, the more painful questions I had.
When I was in college about 20 years ago... My father called me one day.
The question of the day that began with "Son."
"My family is in trouble right now. Would you like to finish college studying or buy a small apartment instead of studying?"
My father suggested that I should stop studying because my family was in a bad situation at that time. Also, my father suggested to pay back the apartment loan with the money to study at the university. And he said he would give me the apartment.
I remember I was around 25 years old, right after I was discharged from the army at that time, but I realized that..
That this question is going to be really important for my whole life.
Now that I think about it, it was a stupid decision. Why did I do that? I regret it late, but it's already past.
Being stupid, ignorant of the world, I decided I'd rather buy an apartment without thinking. Everything has changed since then. Of course, I blame myself for making such a stupid decision, but I can't still understand my father.
Now that I am old and mature, if I hear such a question now, I will definitely choose to graduate from college.
However, my father who had lived only pastoral life and I did not know how the world was going, made such foolish decisions. I would buy a small apartment and stop studying at the university.
I'm getting angry now. Why...? What the hell?
How did he come up with the idea of sending his own child into the world without a college diploma in this tough world? Why the hell...?
What makes me even more heartbroken is the following fact. In fact, what my father really wanted was the small apartment.
My father didn't really mean to give me the apartment.
In the end, my father never handed me down the apartment or let me study at my university.
Whenever I talked about my past, I used to say that my family's situation was difficult. But now I realize it, but it wasn't that my family was so difficult. My family's financial status was never enough, but it was never hard enough to starve.
It was all because of my father's greed to have that small apartment in Busan.
The little apartment that would change his son's future
A father who sacrificed his child's future because of his stupid greed.
I can't forgive the decision. ...
I can't understand and forgive that stupid decision.
It is so heartbreaking that the person who made such a decision is not someone else, but my father who is supposed to take care of me the most.
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I am not a native speaker of English. I accept that my English is not perfect. Thank you Google Translator.
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Life is suffering (3)
Something was wrong. I haven't lived like a saint in my life, but I think I've lived a good life.
I didn't commit any crime.
I didn't drink or smoke.(I don't mean it's wrong.)
I lived with my parents calling me a good son.
I've never run away from home.
Every workplace I go to, I've heard people say I'm sincere.(It's not a show-off.) I worked really hard and was foolish...)
I think I've been doing my best. I don't know what's so wrong.
Nothing has been done.
In retrospect... I have lived for others too much.
I put off my college studies and sent my parents money.
I worked too hard for other people.
My life was not for me but for others.
The keyword of my life was 'pushover'. A good life for others...
Above all, it was my family who made me suffer.
When my family was in a bad situation... My elder sister, who was supposed to play a leading role on behalf of my father, just left looking for her own life, even though she finished studying at college. She didn't send me any money. In other words, my father and I had to pay back all her tuition she left in the bank.
My parents and I... I was the only one who could make money in my family, and eventually I had to stop studying at university. When others went to college, prepared for the future, and graduated from college, I worked hard at the restaurant.
Without a college diploma and special skills, all I could do was simple work. Being unable to do this or that, I spent my golden twenties working in restaurants.
And my father...
Of course, he has been a pastor all his life, so he may not know the world. But to make excuses like that, it was a fatal mistake to me.
How did he come up with the idea of sending his child out to the world without a college diploma in this tough world?
With nearly 90 percent of Korean young people graduating from college, how could my father have thought not to let his son study at university?
These questions kept bothering me.
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I am not a native speaker of English. I accept that my English is not perfect. Thank you Google Translator.
I didn't commit any crime.
I didn't drink or smoke.(I don't mean it's wrong.)
I lived with my parents calling me a good son.
I've never run away from home.
Every workplace I go to, I've heard people say I'm sincere.(It's not a show-off.) I worked really hard and was foolish...)
I think I've been doing my best. I don't know what's so wrong.
Nothing has been done.
In retrospect... I have lived for others too much.
I put off my college studies and sent my parents money.
I worked too hard for other people.
My life was not for me but for others.
The keyword of my life was 'pushover'. A good life for others...
Above all, it was my family who made me suffer.
When my family was in a bad situation... My elder sister, who was supposed to play a leading role on behalf of my father, just left looking for her own life, even though she finished studying at college. She didn't send me any money. In other words, my father and I had to pay back all her tuition she left in the bank.
My parents and I... I was the only one who could make money in my family, and eventually I had to stop studying at university. When others went to college, prepared for the future, and graduated from college, I worked hard at the restaurant.
Without a college diploma and special skills, all I could do was simple work. Being unable to do this or that, I spent my golden twenties working in restaurants.
And my father...
Of course, he has been a pastor all his life, so he may not know the world. But to make excuses like that, it was a fatal mistake to me.
How did he come up with the idea of sending his child out to the world without a college diploma in this tough world?
With nearly 90 percent of Korean young people graduating from college, how could my father have thought not to let his son study at university?
These questions kept bothering me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not a native speaker of English. I accept that my English is not perfect. Thank you Google Translator.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Life is suffering (2)
I was born into a faithful Christian family. My father is a pastor and all my relatives go to church very enthusiastically.
So, of course, I am a natural born believer, and I have been to church since I was young.
Christianity was not a matter of choice for me. It was natural for me to go to church, and it was unimaginable for me not to go to church on Sunday. I happened to play with my friends on Sunday and was severely scolded by my father on a late day of church service. Just faith was not my choice, it was a habit and a custom, just a kind of belief that I took for granted.
Even after I became an adult and came out of society, of course, I went to the church steadily, and I have done everything that churchgoers do, such as paying a tithe and praying for meals. In addition to my meal prayer, I always prayed when I woke up or went to work in the morning, got off work, and came home safely.
Sometimes I wondered about my religious life, but I just tried to ignore it, buried in my heart. (I may have avoided topics such as "evolutionary theory" or "dinosaur," which seem to be somewhat out of line with the Bible.)
I don't know what some people will say when I write this, but I'm just writing my thoughts calmly.
While living like that, everything changed last year.
Originally, there was no word like "Buddhism" in my life. It was an improbable word and topic.
Since birth, my father has been a pastor, and all my relatives and family members have been Christians, so Buddhism was a word that was difficult to even approach.
Everyone goes through this and that in their lives. So at the end of the year, anyone would think like this.
"Oh, this year has been this hard, but next year will be at least better than this year.""
"It was so hard this year that it will be less difficult next year than this year.""
But living was not as easy for me as anyone. I have always lived a life of being beaten around. I've only been having a hard time every year in my life.
(I might say "yes, because I'm weak". I don't know if that's right.)
Especially, last year was a tough year for me personally. I quit my job, I got serious health problems. I had to quit my job automatically because I had something wrong with my body. It was largely because I had been working too hard.
Taking a break from work, going to the hospital, getting a C.T. I quit my job first and fiddled without thinking for a few months. I lounged around without thinking, as if I had rewarded myself for working hard.
When I woke up in the morning, I went hiking with my wife for my health. I ate as much as I liked. I tried to be as comfortable as I could without money. I bought a lot of books, too. No matter how hard I was in need of money, I bought several books every month.
Even though my body was tired, I felt like my life would stop if I didn't even read a book. I didn't read all the books I bought, but I tried to read as much as I could.
Climbing, which I usually went in the morning, really helped me a lot. Walking on mountains and hills, I came to think about this and that.
"What happened to my life? I've been living a sincere and good life. Why did my life become like this?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not a native speaker of English. I accept that my English is not perfect. Thank you Google Translator.
So, of course, I am a natural born believer, and I have been to church since I was young.
Christianity was not a matter of choice for me. It was natural for me to go to church, and it was unimaginable for me not to go to church on Sunday. I happened to play with my friends on Sunday and was severely scolded by my father on a late day of church service. Just faith was not my choice, it was a habit and a custom, just a kind of belief that I took for granted.
Even after I became an adult and came out of society, of course, I went to the church steadily, and I have done everything that churchgoers do, such as paying a tithe and praying for meals. In addition to my meal prayer, I always prayed when I woke up or went to work in the morning, got off work, and came home safely.
Sometimes I wondered about my religious life, but I just tried to ignore it, buried in my heart. (I may have avoided topics such as "evolutionary theory" or "dinosaur," which seem to be somewhat out of line with the Bible.)
I don't know what some people will say when I write this, but I'm just writing my thoughts calmly.
While living like that, everything changed last year.
Originally, there was no word like "Buddhism" in my life. It was an improbable word and topic.
Since birth, my father has been a pastor, and all my relatives and family members have been Christians, so Buddhism was a word that was difficult to even approach.
Everyone goes through this and that in their lives. So at the end of the year, anyone would think like this.
"Oh, this year has been this hard, but next year will be at least better than this year.""
"It was so hard this year that it will be less difficult next year than this year.""
But living was not as easy for me as anyone. I have always lived a life of being beaten around. I've only been having a hard time every year in my life.
(I might say "yes, because I'm weak". I don't know if that's right.)
Especially, last year was a tough year for me personally. I quit my job, I got serious health problems. I had to quit my job automatically because I had something wrong with my body. It was largely because I had been working too hard.
Taking a break from work, going to the hospital, getting a C.T. I quit my job first and fiddled without thinking for a few months. I lounged around without thinking, as if I had rewarded myself for working hard.
When I woke up in the morning, I went hiking with my wife for my health. I ate as much as I liked. I tried to be as comfortable as I could without money. I bought a lot of books, too. No matter how hard I was in need of money, I bought several books every month.
Even though my body was tired, I felt like my life would stop if I didn't even read a book. I didn't read all the books I bought, but I tried to read as much as I could.
Climbing, which I usually went in the morning, really helped me a lot. Walking on mountains and hills, I came to think about this and that.
"What happened to my life? I've been living a sincere and good life. Why did my life become like this?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not a native speaker of English. I accept that my English is not perfect. Thank you Google Translator.
Life is suffering (1)
I have long abandoned my faith as a Christian. I don't want to criticize anyone, nor do I want to vent my anger about my situation. It is not even intended to gossip about Christians or Christians. What good is that to me, and what good is all the years to me now?
It is just to leave a record from the beginning of the process of first accepting Buddhism. It is not known whether this article will be long or short. Like my life.
Having lived as a Christian for nearly 40 years, I was more hostile to Buddhism than anyone else. I didn't have any special reason. I think I got such antipathy because I was just told this and that in church or forced to think of monotheism.
Everyone has a hard time in life. When one is over thirty, everyone experiences a painful and bitter world. I also hurt others intentionally or not, and as much as I am hurt by others.
There is a saying, "Misfortunes never come alone." It means that good things don't often overlap, and just as bad things happen one after another. I've been through a series of hardships lately, and I've come to look back on my life.
Numerous problems such as my professional disconnect, a sense of betrayal to the people I believed in, my health problems and so on have constantly plagued me. In that process, I sometimes prayed to God and thought a lot about it. Everything was useless. Then I came across one of the Buddhist doctrines by chance.
"Life is a circulation of happiness, sadness, good times, and bad times. If you're going through hard times now, have faith that good times are on the way," it was roughly the same content. (Indeed, I don't know whether such a phrase exists in Buddhist scriptures.)
That doesn't mean that I was interested in Buddhism as soon as I saw that passage. With the recent years of skepticism about Christianity, I naturally became interested in Buddhism as well. Anyway, after seeing that passage, I felt much more relaxed. The countless wounds I've suffered in my life, the pain that constantly afflicts me, the many worries about the present - I felt that these things bothered me much less.
There is nothing I know about Buddhism. I just know that there was a man named Sakyamuni, and that he was something important in Buddhism. Sometimes I look up passages from Buddhist scriptures or something on the Internet. I just pass on some complicated doctrines I don't know well. I just find a phrase that will ease my mind and keep it. That's enough for me.
Something that can make my mind a little more comfortable.
Something that can soothe my weary soul a little.
That's more than enough.
The wounds I have exchanged with others over the years I have lived so far are already too much to handle. I don't know my past life, but I certainly think I've done something big wrong in my previous life. Otherwise, my life can't be this hard, right?
Comfortable at heart - that's the most important thing for me.
Whether I am in a temple or in a church, everything else is secondary. My mind is at ease - that's the best thing for me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not a native speaker of English. I accept that my English is not perfect. Thank you Google Translator.
It is just to leave a record from the beginning of the process of first accepting Buddhism. It is not known whether this article will be long or short. Like my life.
Having lived as a Christian for nearly 40 years, I was more hostile to Buddhism than anyone else. I didn't have any special reason. I think I got such antipathy because I was just told this and that in church or forced to think of monotheism.
Everyone has a hard time in life. When one is over thirty, everyone experiences a painful and bitter world. I also hurt others intentionally or not, and as much as I am hurt by others.
There is a saying, "Misfortunes never come alone." It means that good things don't often overlap, and just as bad things happen one after another. I've been through a series of hardships lately, and I've come to look back on my life.
Numerous problems such as my professional disconnect, a sense of betrayal to the people I believed in, my health problems and so on have constantly plagued me. In that process, I sometimes prayed to God and thought a lot about it. Everything was useless. Then I came across one of the Buddhist doctrines by chance.
"Life is a circulation of happiness, sadness, good times, and bad times. If you're going through hard times now, have faith that good times are on the way," it was roughly the same content. (Indeed, I don't know whether such a phrase exists in Buddhist scriptures.)
That doesn't mean that I was interested in Buddhism as soon as I saw that passage. With the recent years of skepticism about Christianity, I naturally became interested in Buddhism as well. Anyway, after seeing that passage, I felt much more relaxed. The countless wounds I've suffered in my life, the pain that constantly afflicts me, the many worries about the present - I felt that these things bothered me much less.
There is nothing I know about Buddhism. I just know that there was a man named Sakyamuni, and that he was something important in Buddhism. Sometimes I look up passages from Buddhist scriptures or something on the Internet. I just pass on some complicated doctrines I don't know well. I just find a phrase that will ease my mind and keep it. That's enough for me.
Something that can make my mind a little more comfortable.
Something that can soothe my weary soul a little.
That's more than enough.
The wounds I have exchanged with others over the years I have lived so far are already too much to handle. I don't know my past life, but I certainly think I've done something big wrong in my previous life. Otherwise, my life can't be this hard, right?
Comfortable at heart - that's the most important thing for me.
Whether I am in a temple or in a church, everything else is secondary. My mind is at ease - that's the best thing for me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not a native speaker of English. I accept that my English is not perfect. Thank you Google Translator.
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